När rädslan styr

Hur gör man när man känner att rädslan sitter som en klump i kroppen? När man givit ett löfte att bortse från den och vara ett stöd? När man vill vara storsint, förstående, medkännande och accepterande? När man lovat att att ha tilltro, tillit och kraft till att veta att allt blir som den högsta önskan man har? När man vill allt detta och rädslan hela tiden sticker upp sitt huvud och kommer med antydningar om att man kanske inte ska vara så säker??

Jag kämpar emot rädslan så gott jag kan och någon gång emellanåt så kan jag t o m förtränga den en stund. Men de stunder den lyckas ta sig ända upp till ytan får den mig att vika mig i krampaktiga stön. Den viskar med försåtlig röst om hur jag någonsin kan tro att det jag önskar kan slå in. Den visar mig alla bilder om vad som kan komma att bli istället för de bilder jag skapat utan den. Den försöker smyga in små kilar i mitt försvar och min tillit! Den talar om för mig hur och vad jag kan ta till för att för att klara av ett nederlag, för att rädda min stolthet vid ett misslyckande. Den plågar mig med all kraft genom att tala om för mig att jag inte är värd att få min önskan uppfylld. Den skrattar hånfullt åt mig och mina försök att hålla kvar tilltron till kärleken i mitt liv! Just i de stunder, när rädslan sticker fram sitt fula ansikte, styr den mitt liv, mina tankar, mina känslor och tar över mitt sinne! Allt annat liksom försvinner, allt blir svart och mörkt. I de stunder skapar den ilska, hämndkänslor, tårar, sorg, mindervärdskomplex och uppgivenhet…..och jag tillåter den att göra det!!!!!!!!

Varför gör jag det??? Varför ger jag rädslan makten att ta över mig så??? När jag vet hur mycket elände den ställer till med? I grund och botten så ligger tron att jag inte är värt att älskas. Att det inte finns någon som kan älska mig så mycket att någon är beredd att kämpa för MIG, att någon kan ge mig så mycket av sig själv så att han är beredd att dela sitt liv med mig. Att någon anser att det jag har att ge är värt att ta till sig, vara lycklig för! I rädslans grepp tappar jag all förnuft, all överblick, all logik och all tilltro till mig själv, till mitt JAG! Jag ser mig själv som den som många vänder sig till, använder som bollplank, som tröst och sen när det börjar lösa sig, så försvinner jag i ett intet. Visst är det en fin sak att kunna hjälpa någon vidare…men jag då??? Vem låter mig slippa taget och ger mig det jag behöver? Enligt rädslan så finns det ingen…för den talar om för mig att jag duger till hjälp men när det kommer till kritan så är jag inte den som väljs utan är den som kan undvaras. Rädslan som med ett hånskratt talar om för mig att jag är förmäten som kan tro något annat! Den fnissar åt mig att jag är så blåögd och tror på kärleken och att jag låter mig utnyttjas i dess namn. Den strör stora tvivel i mitt sinne och mår gott av den näring jag då ger den!

Men när jag låter kärleken ta makten då??? Åååååå…när jag låter kärleken ta makten då lyser det inom mig!!! Det är då jag känner att jag lever och har den stora tryggheten med mig! Tryggheten till mig SJÄLV!! Då är jag stark, har tilltro och vet att allt jag önskar mig till slut på ett eller annat vis kommer att uppfyllas. Jag vet att jag kan älskas precis som jag är och jag älskar mig själv! Jag kan dela med mig till allt och alla av den stora glädjen och kärleken jag känner inom mig! Jag är generös med den, jag vill att alla ska må bra och jag lyfter mig själv över alla mörka tankar! I de ögonblick vet jag att klarar av allt som kommer i min väg och kan se en positivitet i allt som händer! Då älskar jag utan förbehåll och gläder mig i den känslan som detta föder! Alla möjligheter som dyker upp när kärlek råder, ingenting är omöjligt då! Det är då jag lever, då när jag fylls av tacksamhet för det som livet ger mig!! Det är då jag känner den ljuva föraningen av drömmar som blir sanna! Det är då jag orkar kämpa mig igenom allt för att komma till ljuset, ljuset som skrattande vinkar mig till sig, omfamnar mig och sakta smeker mig till ro i dess skimmrande glans…kärlekens ljus! Det är då jag har tillit till livet!!!

Dessa två känslor som styr hela livet och det är upp till mig att ge dem kraft att ta makt! Vad väljer jag??? Jag väljer kärlek!!!!! Jag väljer och när nu rädslan sticker upp så står jag upp mot den, låter den besegras! För varje gång jag besegrar den så blir jag starkare och kärleken tar mer plats i mitt liv! Kärleken kanske inte visar sig så som jag önskar men den visar sig alltid så det blir rätt för mig!!!! För den kan aldrig göra skada…bara ge mer…hela tiden!!!! Rädslan hämmar och därför måste den besegras! Min rädsla…den ska jag besegra och jag ska gå vidare i kärlek. Jag ska låta kärleken flöda, fylla mig helt och fullt!!!!

 

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